Struggling with Slangs

I’m going to let out a little secret of mine-I’m not good with slangs. Call me old for my age, but I don’t really seem to get the hang of slangs. And don’t judge me just yet, for I have 500 more words to elucidate this fact before you kind readers.
The most overused urban slang word in the recent years has got to be swag. I initially perceived its meaning as ‘a very cool, smooth or flashy appearance’. Since then, I’ve seen it being used in every possible context. I, in my utter befuddlement, looked it up on the Online Slang Dictionary and found many other interpretations, such as ‘stuff we all get’, ‘secretly we are gay’ and some more, which will be inappropriate to mention here. Till now, I’m clueless about which one of them is the correct version. Needless to mention, I had to stop using this word.
Another such word is dope. I thought it’s a slang term for marijuana. Then I heard people using it like “it’s simply dope!”, what is that supposed to imply. Such confusions are the reason I’m unable to get accustomed to the slang usages. The struggle my friend, is real. (One version of dope was extensively popular in my college-Department of Production Engineering).
Let’s talk about totes. We all know totes are beach bags. Now when someone says, “that’s totes cool!”, I feel as if I’ve been jinxed under a confundus charm( HP fan, anyone?). Because, in my mind it reaches as ‘that’s beach bag cool’. Though I’ve been told that totes is the short form of the word totally, but I’m just not comfortable with the number of saved milliseconds upon using a two-letter-short substitute. It might sound ridiculous to you but trust me, it happens.
If urban slangs are capable of evoking a pandemonium, internet slangs are no better. Take the term ftw for instance. People seem to be coming up with all sorts of expansion for this acronym. For the win (I believe it to be the most accurate one), f*** the world and whatnot. Ergo, I too have decided to go ahead and create my own version. How about fight the wizard, sounds cool right? Let’s get it trending guys.
Also, think about the acronym smh. Does it stand for so much hate or shaking my head, who can tell? When I ponder over what could possibly be the appropriate meaning, all that goes on in the back of my head is kmn (kill me now). Alas! When I had started using terms like ‘r8’ or ‘c u l8r’ in my school days, I had no idea that the slang domain will grow up to be so complicated and problematical. How the world changes!
I hope now you’re able to understand the reason behind the topsy-turvydom in my head regarding slangs. Thank you for sympathizing or relating with me. Peace out! (Not bad with all slang words, you see 😉 )